Even if you knew
by xJustanotherfanfictionx
Summary: A Phan (Danisnotonfire x Amazingphil) Fiction of lies,secrets, and possible Fluff :) Rated T For: Self harm, language and Depression
1. Chapter 1

**Phil's POV:**

_September 23__rd__, 2014_

_Everybody has secrets, some that they won't even tell their best friend. For me, the last statement is true. I have a secret that I'll refuse to tell another living soul, even to my death bed (Which I greatly hope is fast approaching). The only evidence of it will probably by this next sentence. I'm gay. Yes, the one that you all watch weekly, Is gay. It's been like this for a while, but of course nobody really knows._

_But goddammit I love Dan so much. He is my 'everything'. I honestly could not live a day without his presence. He's the only one who really keeps me going each day. I wish he was the same 'way'…_

After writing in my journal, I set it aside; well hidden under stacks of unread books and fan letters. I put my ear against the wall to Dan's room to make sure he was still occupied by making a video. I heard faint mumbling of his casual videos. I walked to my dresser and opened the bottom drawer. I fumbled through some band shirts and jeans until I found my blades.

Yes, I cut; At this point, cutting is the only way to release some of this pain. I grabbed the newest and sharpest blade and crept to the bathroom, hoping not to add any background noise to Dan's video. I Shut the door behind me and curled up in the bathtub. Since it was a shared bathroom, the tub was the easiest place for me to ruin my wrists seeing as you could just rinse away the evidence.

I sliced the blade across my wrist several times until the crimson blood came flooding out. I rinsed the blade under the warm running water and sat in the filling bathtub wondering what to do next.

**Dan's POV:**

I finish editing my "12 Year old Dan's website video" And hit upload. I sit back in my chair as I feel my stomach feel empty. I switch on my phone to look at the time. "3:43, I shouldn't be hungry yet" I mumble to myself. I hear the bathtub filling in the bathroom. "That's weird; Phil never really uses the bathroom for any reason until night. I get off my ass and knock on the bathroom door. "Hey Phil?" No response "Would you like to play some portal?" I ask

I hear him fumbling around on the other side of the door. "No thanks" He struggles. "What's wrong?"- The room goes silent for a bit, as If he were pondering, "Nothing!" He half yells as I hear him immerse himself into the bath. I've been quite worried about Phil lately. He stays in his room by himself increasingly more nowadays, and the only video he has shot in the past couple of week was the home page welcome for the Dan and Phil shop.

I begin making some pancakes for the two of us. I switch on the stove and measure the flour and milk. Even once the pancakes finish cooking, I wait at least fifteen minutes for Phil to emerge from the bath. Once he does I call for him "Phil I made some pancakes" Knowing it is his favorite meal.

He walks past me with no interest at all "I'm good" He says bluntly, clenching something between his fingers. He goes into his room and doesn't come out for the rest of the night. Another thing that worries me about him is that he's been progressively eating fewer and fewer meals. Is he going through something?


	2. Chapter 2

**Phil's POV:**

_September 24__th__ 2014_

_I got, at most, an hour of sleep last night. I kept having dreams of Dan yelling at me for how much of a failure I am, and how he would never love me. In the back of my mind, I know it's true, But… Do those really have to be the thing I visualize when I fall asleep? _

_I guess he felt like he had to tempt me yesterday with my favorite meal. But I can't gain another pound. I need to be perfect for him… For my Dan._

I slid my journal in the same place as always and slid back under my duvet. I heard my door lightly creak open as the light blinded me from the hallway. All I could really see was the silhouette of Dan. "Fuck" I though as a slid deeper under my covers. I felt the weight on my mattress shift as he sat down next to me.

He lowered the covers slightly and just sat there for a minute or two; And it took me just that long to realize something. My exposed arms were sticking out right in front of Dan, as if they were in a museum display. I tried to quickly bring them back down to me, but he stopped me. This was absolute torture. My love was holding my imperfect, shredded up, scabbed and blistering arms, studying them. I used my remaining strength to try and yank them back, but I failed.

His touch (at the same time) was so gentle and warming. It felt like the feeling you'd get from jumping into a hot tub after being in a freezing cold pool. Just as I was getting used to the sensation, He got off the bed and left.

**Dan's POV:**

Warm tears fell down my cheeks as I studied Phil's bloody arms. I set them down and headed for the bathroom. I grabbed the bandage and alcohol from the medicine cabinet, and rushed back to Phil to attend to him. I got a quick glance in the mirror as I rushed back; my face was red and patchy, and my cheeks we're drenched. I got back to Phil and took his arm again.

I stroked back his hair and whispered "I'm sorry" before pouring the alcohol over both of his wrists. He flinched and squirmed as his breathing got quicker. I cried with him; it killed me to see him like this. As soon as his scars and cuts had been cleansed, I wrapped the bandage around them.

I grabbed him a clean – and by clean I mean non-bloodied- Long sleeve shirt. "Take off your shirt" I cried. "What?!" He responded sheepishly "You heard me" I demanded as I cried into my knees. He did as I said and I slipped the new shirt over his head and slid his arms through the sleeves. I Noticed cuts and bruises all over his stomach as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil's POV:**

The alcohol burned so damn much. It felt like a million needles poking into my skin. "Take off your shirt" I heard him weep "What?!" I responded, then looking down at my bloodied shirt and putting the pieces together. "You heard me" He yelled with the only strength he had.

I couldn't let him see my fat, disgusting body. But, I can't help it when he's sad. I took off my shirt, and shortly after remembered about my cuts around my hips and stomach "Great" I thought as I drew my knees into my chest to try and hide it. "Lay down" He struggled for breath as he grabbed the alcohol again.

I did what he said, and he poured it all over my torso until the bottle was empty. He wrapped the bandage around me and pulled down my shirt. Without me saying a word, he pulled my body closer to his and he cried into my shoulder. He kept saying "I'm sorry". Does he know?

**Dan's POV:**

I couldn't help but to hug Phil. He had been through so much; and I felt like it was my entire fault. My fault… for not noticing earlier, for not talking to him, for not being there for him. After multiple minutes, I pulled away and at Phil. He didn't seem nearly as shaken as I was.

"I'll buy you a new shirt tomorrow… Okay?" I offered "No, Dan you don't" I stopped him "I need to" I said squeezing his hand. He sighed in response. I looked over at his dresser to see a journal hidden under what must have been hundreds of envelopes. "How long has thing been going on?" I asked, looking back at him- No response- I'll make sure to check into his journal later.

I took his hand to the living room and placed a fresh plate of pancakes in front of him. "Eat" I mumbled as I turned on the TV. He looked at it like it was some bowl filled with shit. "Eat" I said louder. "You just don't get it" He yelled as he threw the plate across the room and slammed his door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Phil's POV:**

_September 25__th__ 2014_

_Is Dan purposely trying to set me up for failure? He gave me a bowl of my favorite meal, like he KNEW. Like he KNEW that I'm fat and that I need to lose weight. I can't take it anymore! I bet he knows EVERYTHING, and is just trying to torture me. _

_Now, the only thing that doesn't look at me with disgust is lion. The one I've held dear to me, and sobbed into, when nobody could provide that comfort._

I throw the journal to the floor and curl up against my bed. Am I overreacting? I can't tell at this point. I feel like I was harsh on him. I wish I wasn't this weak but, I can't shut him out like this.

I get up and silently open the door to check up on Dan. I see him- him sobbing into a pillow from the couch. His sleeves are rolled up and… His wrists look the same as mine- but the cuts are deeper, and longer. The blood is still seeping out, and I can see he's trying so damn hard to get it to stop. He has burns on the back of his arms, and bruises all over.

I collapse at the sight, and I guess he hears me. He rolled up his sleeves and crawled over to me. "I'm sorry" He said weakly as he stroked back my hair.

**Dan's POV:**

"Shit did he see my arms?" I thought as I hurried over to him. "Who gives a fuck right now; I need to care for Phil". I stroked back his precious ebony hair, His eyes were swelling and tears were emerging from the corners of his eyes "What's wrong?" I say, trying my best to comfort him.

He sat up and grabbed onto my wrists. I look down to see the blood seeping through my shirt. "Shit, he did see". He leaned his head against my chest. He felt cold, and weak. I examined him to see how he was doing. His collarbones were unhealthily defined, and same with his hip bones. His spine was creating large bumps in his back, unlike how it used to be.

I sat him up and gave him a cracker. "A cracker? Really Dan?" I mentally slapped myself. The corners of his beautiful mouth turned (That's right I said beautiful) into a smile. I smiled back and he ate the cracker, as he did, his lips turned back into a pout. I initiated a cuddle and messed up his hair; and of course, force fed him another few crackers – Hey, progress is progress.


	5. Chapter 5

**Phil's POV:**

_September 26__th__ 2014_

_I've __been… less than well. I've been stressing out so much today, and Dan's been force feeding me. I put on 2 pounds- In a day. I can't go without my blades much longer. Today is the day I give in to old addictions._

I slipped my journal under my covers, and got up off of my bed. I scrambled through my drawers until I found my metal slices of heaven. With my foot, I shoved open my door as my blades were in my one hand- knowing that Dan was still playing Skyrim in his room. Being the clumsy fuck that I am, I tripped over some socks that I had half stuffed under my doorway so that it would be harder for Dan to get into my room without me knowing.

There was a loud slam as my hips crashed into the hardwood, but I caught my upper half with my hands- Leaving the blades to go flying everywhere. Dan came bolting out of his room without even pausing his game. I guess he knew something was wrong; I hadn't left my room for I don't know, maybe six hours.

He slid on his knees next to me to make sure I was okay; and then he looked at the floor. He exhaled and traced the sharp, shiny blades with his finger; he continued to pick them up. He sighed as he got up, leaving me helpless on the ground. "Dan wait" I struggled, I felt like he was mocking me as he gave me the cold shoulder. It took all of my remaining strength to lift myself up, and follow him to the bathroom.

I saw him standing next to the toilet, with his hand clenched in a fist. Knowing what he was trying to do, I reached for his hand to stop him as his knuckles turned white. I closed my eyes and heard a metallic clatter, followed by a flush.

**Dan's POV:**

I was bitten by guilt as I let Phil's razors drop into the drain. He pulled open his eyes, and immediately shriveled up on the ground, as if he had been defeated.I looked at my hand to see blood oozing out in various places because of the sharp ends of the razor blades. I sat next to Phil's head as he bit deep into his lip.

"I'm sorry" I sighed, knowing what I had just done to him. He did respond- as per usual. I ran my fingers through his soft hair to reassure him. I felt him shudder at my touch. He sobbed into the tile floor, and I just kept feeling him shake against me.

I sat him next to me against the tub, and allowed him to rest his head on my shoulder. He took me up on the offer.I pulled him in for a hug, not wanting to let go. I felt his heart speed up as I held his cold chest next to mine. As he stopped sobbing, Phil awkwardly pulled away.

Without saying a word he got up and went into room, leaving the door slightly open. Feeling lonely, I waited outside his door, until I heard him begin to snore . I peaked into his bedroom, and step foot inside it. I immediately saw his diary, under his blanket. I carefully and quietly slipped it out from began to study it.

I read everything. Front to back; every last detail.

I felt my eyes swell up as I heard sounds from Phi's bed.

"Dan?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Phil's POV:**

I heard clatter and movement in my room. I quickly sat up to see a familiar silhouette with his back turned to me. "Dan?" I mumbled as I threw my legs over the end of the bed. "What are you doing?" I saw him quickly move at the sound of my voice. I leaned in to see my journal grasped in his hands.

I froze. "He read it didn't he". I quickly hurled myself towards him hoping to catch the journal. My plan failed as Dan pulled the journal into his chest. I got up, tears caressing my cheek bones. The last thing I heard before slamming the front door behind me was Dan yelling my name.

I raced into the lift and pressed the button for the top floor. The lift soon opened to a fairly plain and grey terrace that overlooked the city. Various vents and chimneys cluttered the roof. I walked to the edge and, without thinking, swung my legs over the railing. I looked over the yellow taxicabs racing through the streets, hoping I'd soon join them.

**Dan's POV:**

"Phil!" I cried. I saw tears drip off his jawline. He must not have heard me. "PHIL!" I repeated, even louder this time. I ran up to him and pulled him off the edge.

I held him as close to me as possible, not letting him go. "I'm sorry" I kept repeating. I saw his pale blue eyes stared at me, emotionless. "If you jump I will too." He stopped struggling, even if it was just for a moment. "You know. I'm a failure! I'm disgusting and useless." He screamed.

I hugged him even tighter. "You are not! You're beautiful and smart and…" I cried "I love you."

**Phil's POV:**

I paused. Dan's grip on my torso was so tight. I dug my head into his warm chest and cried into his shirt. He fixed my hair back and cupped his hand on the side of my head. He tilted my head so that my gaze met with his.

He pulled my in and passionately kissed me. I kissed back (of course) And pinched myself a couple times to make sure I wasn't still asleep. After a couple minutes, I broke the long kiss. He looked down shyly and scratched the back of his neck. "Sorry" He exhaled. "Stop saying that" I laughed, playfully slapping him.

"Ow!" He pouted, which was followed by a laugh as he felt the side of his cheek.

**Dan's POV:**

"Was that true?" He asked, in a bit more serious tone. I gave him a confused look, then realized what he was talking about. I scooted myself even closer towards him. "Everything I said was true" I whispered into his right ear, planting another kiss on his lips.


	7. Chapter 7

**AUTHOR NOTE:**

**Hi :) It's the author here, I hope you enjoy the slightly longer chapter. I will be taking a break this week - As it is thanksgiving for me and I am really busy. Hope that's okay!**

**Have fun Phangirling!**

* * *

><p><span><strong>Phil's POV:<strong>

I've stopped writing in my journal. I don't really have time for it anymore.

I slipped out of my bed to the smell of fresh dough. I forced my body into a shirt and exited my bedroom.

"Good morning sleeping beauty" Dan's silky smooth voice greeted me.

"You know you don't have to make pancakes every morning" I chuckled.

"I do for you" He smirked and kissed my cheek.

I looked away as my face blushed tremendously. I hugged him from behind and looked over his shoulder. I took a pancake from the top of the stack, and stuffed it into my mouth. "Hey!" Dan laughed as he flipped the next pancake. "Ifts ghoodd" I mumbled with my mouth still full.

He scraped the last pancake off of the pan and served it to me. I'm sure my eyes went a little too wide because I heard Dan laugh hysterically from behind me.

"Don't you want any?" I asked as I saw the brunette switch on the television.

"I'm good"

I realized he had made the pancakes all for me. I blushed and began shoveling the pancakes one by one into my mouth. Once I finished I got up to sit by Dan on the sofa-bed. I stared at him as he intently watched "Keeping up with the Kardashians"

"Jesus Christ Dan you remind me of a typical white girl" I laughed as I scrolled through Tumblr on my phone.

"Do you wanna record a Dan and Phil gaming video today?" He asked.

Unfortunately I was scrolling through Phan art at the time, and found a very revealing drawing of Dan- There was this new trend now with 'Draw Dan naked' or something.

The back muscles of Dan on the drawing were so defined, And same with his collarbones. His lower half was covered by a dinosaur with my hair. And HIS hair fell perfectly over his face.

He must have seen me blush, because he cocked his head.

**Dan's POV:**

Phil looked up at me with a 'trying to be innocent' look as he shoved his phone in his back pocket.

"What?" I laughed crossing my arms.

He didn't respond. I stroked back his hair and kissed him on the forehead. His face turned to an even brighter red as he pouted. I leaned in closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He tried to resist me but failed.

I held the back of his head with my one hands as I locked lips with his. I felt his heart beat speed up every time I would bite his lip gently. I pulled back to look at his now lobster red face, and then pinned him down on the sofa bed.

I held his hands above his heads with mine, and our fingers intertwined with each other. I kissed his neck and lowered myself onto him. I slipped my tongue into his mouth, and heard him gasp for air. I loved seeing him like this. I let my hands caress his lower back; and just as he got a bit of air, I snatched his phone.

He looked completely stunned as I curled up on the other side of the sofa from him. He sat up after a couple of minutes and scratched his neck as if he was trying to figure out what just happened. "Shit, he has a pass code" I thought as I swiped to the right of the screen. After 6 failed attempts at possible pass codes such as: "Pancakes" Or "Llamas", I tried just plain "Dan"; surprisingly it worked.

"I'm his pass code?" I thought as his phone unlocked. His phone had the tumblr app opened, and he had searched up "Phan". "Oh no" I chuckled as I scrolled down a couple times. I must of found what he had been blushing at; and I got to admit, I blushed pretty hard too.


End file.
